I hate when it struck me

i have bad self esteem. in other word, i dont believe in myself. seriously, it never crossed my mind or even dreamt of getting so many A's last year. [mind you not a perfect score really]. i thought it was 6 or maybe at most, just 8. i have no idea what i have got today, what i have earned until today until this second are really what i really deserved or maybe Allah wants me to have this rough life. or maybe it's my fate to be seen by others.seeing as if i am humiliating myself but the truth is i am trying. i am never a smart ass kid in school before but neither i am the stupidest ( i hope so). i dont know why there was a huge jump between being 17 and 18. it's like there is a wide drain as you walk. you retreat and speeding as fast as you could until you feel you are losing your legs and you still fail to cross it and you end up falling at the same spot down in the wide huge drain alone. while all you could do is trying to get back on the ground and you just can't. well blame my short legs then. people just do not care. seriously. the most they could do is just by giving a pat at the back then leave. i don't like people giving comfy words as if it was okay because it just wasn't. it wasn't. it just same like giving false hopes. i think the sayings 'aiming for the moon because if you fall, you will fall among the stars' are just good words that lie. in fact, i am falling way down and all i could do is to pave the way from scratch again and again. but to think again, it made me stronger. not my body has become buffer or whatever. it's the spirit. it strenghtened yourself by keep rebuliding it from used trashes.

i am not a good planner. i didnt do timetable for my studies.it's not that i never tried, i did try. but it only lasted for 2 days at most. i dont do long term planning but i plan for tomorrow. i dont dare to plan if it wasn't a certain that i'll be able to do it when time arrives. we just never know what awaits us tomorrow or even for the next hour. to be frank, i dont have a clear vision of my whereabout for the next one year. kalau saya lebih kan usaha saya dan jadi lebih rajin, tak bagun pukul 10, rajin-rajin datang jumpa miss, INSYAAllah saya akan masih bersama dengan kawan-kawan seperjuangan saya.

i've had miserable life for this whole one year. seriously, i dont mind if Allah had set it this way for me. i dont mind if i have to go through more hurdles, rougher route than others. i dont mind if i have to spend hundreds to grant me a better future. i dont mind if i am not a favourite student in class. i dont mind if tears are what it takes. i dont mind if i have to cry if that is what it takes to make me feel better.

next semester gonna be a lot more tougher. and i doubt i'll survive bruise-less.

because at the end of the day, all i want is to treasure Taj Mahal.ameen.


oh God, i hate to write this kind of post.it shows, i am weak.