I busted myself

whats happening to me tonight? things get even harder for me. harder to grasp. harder to keep up with everyone. i am very happy for some of you guys who seem to have changed a lot from the last time i saw you. i know you guys did a lot of homework. unlike me. i want to change but i did nothing. i want to change but i was too shy to show it. i want to change but i wasn't sure of their acceptance. i want to change but i was too afraid if i got condemned by anyone closed to me. i want to change but if someone asked me questions i'm afraid i wouldn't be able to answer them in a very berhikmah way. i don't know whether its the environment makes things harder for me or Allah wana test me when i am all alone. i mean with no usrah, RS and stuff. no one to remind me, i don't know where to pour my heart out when i am at my lowest state. UO did help a bit but there's another strong distraction over here and god knows how suffocating it is. i was torn between two and i don't know which one to choose. i can't balanced both. at one side i need to be serious and focus to comprehend our sharing, which i really want to know. and at another side i need to listen to another (plain?) stories which i'm not interested to know at all. i hate arguing so because of that i have to drift my attention for a few second to this side and then in another second i got lost with our sharing. having to fake a smile and pretend as if i was interested about it. and today with me being not on a good health, that just added the emotional conflicts. in the two previous UO, i couldn't exactly grasp the whole thing about it. there's too many, too fast that i couldn't even breathe and finally, i get lost with the whole thing. too bad everyone is a fast learner. good for all of you i am so proud of you. and another thing is, i feel sorry for myself because i have nothing to share with everyone and seeing everyone excited about it, that they at least contributed something beneficial, i can't help myself from feeling lacking and inferior. okay now that i posted it on my blog everyone knows about it, so that's it. i'm busted. now that i just can't wait to get my results and with Allah's will i can't wait to fly.

planning to post something. but later la that gona take a lot of time.